As I stood in the checkout line at Market Street last week the cover of Cosmo caught my eye. “YOUR SEX WISH LIST,” and “5 Ways to get what you want under the tree and in bed,” popped off the holiday themed cover. Last month it was “LOVE: Keep it hot. Make it Last.” A quick google showed the same thing with every single issue. Top left corner: Some sort of quick instructional guide to keeping your man happy in bed.
I get it. I know that’s their shtick. But the reason the shtick works is because committed couples do have to work really hard to stay interested in sex. We get bored with it and start thinking maybe we need more toys, more games, more sexy clothes, better techniques……or, even more tragically, we might start to think maybe we just need someone else.
But the main line we keep hearing is that in order to stay interested in sex, we have to have MORE of something.
Today, I’m here to challenge that. I say that in order to have amazing sex, sometimes we need a BREAK from sex. Chocolate cake is amazing, but if I eat it everyday, I’m going to probably get tired of it. I guess I could top it with ice cream, or hot fudge, or whipped cream every day to keep it interesting…….or, I could just maybe eat a piece of fruit and plan to enjoy the cake another day.
Y’all will have to bear with me with the food analogies in my blog, because I love food.
Anyway, back to the sex topic.
With a natural fertility method like the Creighton Model, the method works to avoid or achieve pregnancy by choosing to abstain from sex during fertile or infertile times depending on what your pregnancy intentions are. Honestly, as a Creighton practitioner who teaches the method, I used to feel kind of bad about telling couples that.
But I started to wonder…”Why do I feel bad about telling people that the way our system works is to avoid sex sometimes?” I think it’s because in this culture, that is seen as somehow weird or prudish. But….why? If I tell someone I’m trying to eat less and lose weight they praise me for eating less. If I tell them I’m trying to spend less money and get out of debt, they tell me they admire me and that they would like to do that too. So why is it that in the realm of sex, we completely disregard the idea of self-control as a valid option, particularly when the alternative is something that could potentially be detrimental to our physical health?
Sometimes we might even believe that men, in particular, could never agree to this. But this way of thinking is sexist. Neither men or women need to have a particular amount of sex in order to function. Sex is not a biological need in the way that food, water, and sleep is. It can be amazing and wonderful, and…….a completely optional choice for human survival.
I once asked my husband, “What do you like about using the Creighton Model?”
His answer surprised me. He said, “I like that there is still that anticipation. It’s always exciting and fun every month.”
We have been married 14 years and he still thinks it’s exciting and fun! And I do, too!
With The Creighton Model one thing we teach couples is that it’s important to really learn how to connect and love each other better during those times when you might be avoiding sex . In our marriage that means that we use that time to sit and talk in the evenings, or go on dates, talk about our goals, or plan vacations. He hugs me during that time, and I know he’s just hugging me because he loves me. There is no wondering, “Does he just want sex?” Likewise, he knows I’m not going to use sex as a tool to try to get him to do something for me. We don’t decide to have sex instead of actually working through an argument.
This really doesn’t necessarily mean that we have less sex than people who don’t use a natural method. We just arrange the schedule a bit differently! In fact, I’d venture to say that it makes us willing to place a priority on those times when we do choose to have sex, because it’s so special. I feel so much love from my husband that he's so willing to place a priority on my health that he's willing to forego a little bit of spontaneity.
So in my marriage, the key to better sex is to have scheduled breaks from sex. It’s also the key to working on other aspects of our marriage and in learning to love each other better.
Why not try it? If you’d like to learn how to naturally regulate your fertility and have a more fulfilling sex life, sign up for an intro session today!